Everything Is Performative

By: Gianna Taft, Staff Writer Edited by: Abigail Seltzer

With February being the month of love and all things Valentine’s Day, romantic relationships are at the forefront of discussions. In October of last year, Vogue’s Chante Joseph published an article titled “Is Having a Boyfriend Embarrassing Now?” which sparked a fiery online debate. While there are never definitive answers to Internet discourse, it became clear that the true issue with having a boyfriend wasn't just having a boyfriend, but putting the relationship in the public eye. Additional conversations arose from this, outlining that posting your relationship to the Internet inherently made having a boyfriend embarrassing; especially when your boyfriend is visibly embarrassing you in posts (content showcasing low standards, enduring sub par treatment, etc.) and other people have to see it. In other words, having a boyfriend became embarrassing because women disliked seeing other women settle for the sake of showing off a “prize.” For women in today’s day and age, having a boyfriend is no longer the end-all-be-all, and therefore is not seen as a prize at all.

There are two key personalities in the boyfriend debate. On one end is the traditional wife, or the “tradwife.” These are women who abide by strict, traditional, patriarchal values; women who are stay at home wives and mothers, with men as the primary provider and decision maker in the home. On the other end is the hyper-independant woman. She is career driven, a radical feminist, and, of course, extremely self-reliant. Many TikTok users fall on one end of the spectrum, but in the discussion of whether having a boyfriend is embarrassing or not, the majority steer towards the hyper-independent, radical feminist end. The argument becomes less about if having a boyfriend is embarrassing, and more about getting women far away from oppressive patriarchal ideologies. If having a boyfriend is the most interesting and identifiable thing about you, it takes away your individuality, your personality, and your autonomy. Essentially, it is the visualization of the phrase “setting women back a hundred years.”

While there was no definitive answer, it was clear that the Internet decided having a boyfriend was, in fact, embarrassing. Somehow through this rise in praise for singlehood, Internet culture has shifted again, introducing a new trend: that of a relationship having no “swag gap.” So what does having no “swag gap” mean exactly? The viral term describes a relationship in which both partners have equal levels of coolness, style, and confidence. A relationship with a “swag gap” is viewed as embarrassing, visually displeasing, and almost self-demeaning, while relationships with no “swag gap” are worth sharing with the world.

One of the most notable moments the Internet deemed as a “swag gap” relationship was in 2023, when Justin and Hailey Bieber attended a launch event in New York City for Hailey’s skincare brand, Rhode. Hailey wore a red strapless minidress by Ermanno Scervino, paired with Maison Ernest heels and a Ferragamo bag. Meanwhile, Justin trailed behind her in a grey zip-up, with a pink trucker hat on top of the hood, grey sweatshorts, and electric yellow crocs. 

It’s safe to say the Internet had some reactions to this. 

On the surface, some thought the difference in physical appearance was cringe-worthy, while others were less bothered, claiming that it appeared as though Justin wanted the attention to remain on Hailey rather than him. However, at the crux of the former argument, many people found it not just cringy, but disrespectful that he didn’t put more effort into his appearance for something that obviously meant a lot to his wife. But why does it matter? Why does the Internet care about the difference in the way Justin and Hailey dressed for one event? It all comes down to the culture’s current obsession with appearance. We tend to acknowledge the archetype that TikTok deemed the “performative male,” but it’s apparent that men are not the only people performing. 

Gen Z has grown up in an intense digital culture; one that demands a high threshold to be criticized and perceived, and an expectation to perform on a wide scale at all times. It’s not as if everyone in Gen Z is consciously altering their opinions, appearances, ideas, etc. to fit in, but they have been indoctrinated into a culture that encourages them to do so. If someone says having a boyfriend is “lame,” then having a boyfriend is lame. Or maybe, having a boyfriend is cool, but only so long as you and your boyfriend have achieved equal levels of “swag.” So basically, whatever Vogue says next year will be another hoop young people jump through to chase the ever-elusive label of “cool.” Dating has fallen victim to the “cool” virus, and has become increasingly difficult because people are so focused on what the public will think of them once they find out they have a partner. Will they think you’re boyfriend obsessed? Are you boring now?  Are you conforming to the status quo? Is he cooler than you? Is he less cool than you? The anxieties are endless when image is the highest priority. 

It may seem impossible to break this cycle of self-consciousness, but the state of only making decisions for others or for your Instagram feed is a bleak life to live. Moving forward, the youth and those most affected by the digital era should make sure they prioritize their happiness, not just the way they're perceived.  

Whether you want a boyfriend or not; if you’re cooler than your boyfriend, or if he’s cooler than you; if you don’t want a boyfriend specifically as your partner—it’s all okay. Everything everyone does is curated and altered. It is up to you to break out of that mold in order to live the life you truly want.

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